Years ago, a close friend of mine recorded one of his sons saying "I got the blues". I have a .wav file somewhere of a little child's voice, sounding rather peppy, saying "I got da boos". And today started out there for me, oddly enough.
I've thought before how difficult it is to separate what feelings and thoughts are mine, if you will, and what ones are due to some mix of fatigue, radiation and hormones. To tell the truth, I was having enough trouble discerning my thoughts and feelings anyway, nevermind having the extra help from the rest of this experience. For the most part I've been able to be positive and up-beat about the treatment, the course of direction, and where I believe this path is taking me. But I just want to acknowledge here that it isn't all that way. I'm aware of feeling weak, not just physically weak, but emotionally as well. And someone saying, "Snap out of it!" serves to hammer home just how far off track I've strayed. Or seemingly so.
It's an odd thing to observe yourself going off the deep end... slipping quietly (or not) into a state of feeling unreasonably sorry for oneself. And frankly, Scarlet, there's a hint of wanting to wallow in this for awhile. But thankfully, not for too long. Trouble is, some of my tried and true methods for getting out of the that state of mind are shut off to me to a degree. I used to get on the bike and hammer that feeling out by just getting physically exhausted. Now, I can't sit on the bike seat for that long. So it goes.
But that's not what I want to think about right now. I want - and need - to think about the next step, learn about that step and get into the frame of mind I need to be in for that step to proceed positively. I don't have time to waste energy on feeling sorry for myself. And that's not a list of "shoulds"... it is what it is... where I need to be, and where I will be.
I just wanted to get these feelings out of my head and out in the open, where, as Pooh said, the thing that seemed so thingish inside of you looks so different.
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OK, at the risk of being that worst of all creatures, the Comments On Internet To Utter Silliness ("COITUS"):
ReplyDeleteStart walking. Start with one mile. Walk where you will mostly NOT see people (they tend to harsh one's mellow). Work up so you have a walk where you go 3 miles out and 3 miles back. This will take only 2 hours at a normal pace. You will find that you have solved all your problems when you get back home and are in a much better mood.
And, you will have justified the consumption of something large and chocolate. Chocolate is a scientifically established mood elevator. Cf. Sleeper. UM
Ha! Good thought UM! And maybe Katie would get something out of it as well. As for chocolate.. well, I think I'll plan on the big bowl of vanilla bean ice cream.
ReplyDeleteHey Neal. I know a lot about feeling sorry for myself and it's no fun. You have a much better grasp of handling than I did a few months back. So hang in there. The "walking" suggestion sounds like a good one. Do it or something like it and keep on truckin.
ReplyDelete