OK... this is about feelings mainly, and not about prostate cancer, specifically, or about the technology or about the treatment regimen... so feel free to bail now, and no hard feelings, see? Because I want to vent a bit and I know that venting is sometimes just a pain.
So, I'm tired. I haven't been doing anything that would seem to make me tired, and yet I'm tired. And (to be a bit silly) I'm tired of being tired. It's a whine, I know... and I think if I'm like this now, when radiation hasn't started... what will I become halfway through? A whining, sniveling, piece of cheese? (Now there's a visual for you!) I certainly hope not. Even so... it could happen.
And coupled with being tired is a wonderful soreness in my trunk. Well, not so wonderful, really. Again, if I had been doing something - yard work, swimming, lifting weights, for example - and got like this, well, it would almost be good! But knowing I'm not doing any of those things and yet still being here... stinks.
Now I know I have it easy. I know that as far as pain goes, this is nothing. And while I don't beat myself up over that, I know it. Even so, this is part of the struggle, isn't it? I mean the struggle that is not cancer, and is not tiredness, but the struggle to be, and to find meaning in that being. The feeling is very much like some of the words Longfellow wrote in "The Day is Done"
...And a feeling of sadness comes o'er me
That my soul cannot resist:
A feeling of sadness and longing,
That is not akin to pain,
And resembles sorrow only
As the mist resembles the rain. ...
That about sizes it up. I won't dwell on this long. Or often. But it helps to get it out. And I lied when I said I wasn't going to talk about the treatment... because I am. But only a little... on the next page...
I went for the setup "dry run" today... something I've been referring to as my radiation fitting. And it was a piece of cake... which I expected. I was looking forward to it though, because of all the reading I've been doing on IMRT and the problems that were written up in the NY Times articles. Those articles had generated quite a few questions that I wanted to ask.
I talked to the technician as we were standing in the room where the machine resides. He's a nice guy, and was evidently familiar with the NY Times articles and we chatted a bit about them. He said the machines and software that was in use at the time of those articles was considerably different than he's using. And he showed me a couple of examples of interaction with the user interface he uses where he can't proceed if things are not in place according to plan.
All in all, it was a good experience. I left with my questions answered, and all is set to go next week!
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We were talking about the space between us all . . . [Zoom on tabla.]
ReplyDeleteLast night in the dark I was thinking about the phrase "high definition." Actually, the phrase "Hi def." Then I thought, that sounds like "Hi death!" And then I thought, chuckling, I'm gonna make myself a little sign. I'm gonna put it up right next to the big LCD TV. "HI DEATH"
So, it's grieving. Parts of you are dying. I won't quote the real tough guy, Miss E. Dickinson, on this subject. Grope her situation. UM
@ UM... Ah, the stream of consciousness, the listening to the pull of a thread leading to...yes, the recognizing and welcoming of a thing that seems so full of fear, yet is buried deep within all that must be let go.
ReplyDeleteLittle leavings building to a larger one. And yes, I agree - Miss E. Dickinson had it down lo! these many years ago. It is grieving and welcoming wrapped up together.