Feelings in the mist... and radiation set-ups

OK... this is about feelings mainly, and not about prostate cancer, specifically, or about the technology or about the treatment regimen... so feel free to bail now, and no hard feelings, see?  Because I want to vent a bit and I know that venting is sometimes just a pain.

So, I'm tired. I haven't been doing anything that would seem to make me tired, and yet I'm tired.  And (to be a bit silly) I'm tired of being tired.  It's a whine, I know... and I think if I'm like this now, when radiation hasn't started... what will I become halfway through?  A whining, sniveling, piece of cheese?  (Now there's a visual for you!)  I certainly hope not.  Even so... it could happen.

And coupled with being tired is a wonderful soreness in my trunk. Well, not so wonderful, really.  Again, if I had been doing something - yard work, swimming, lifting weights, for example - and got like this, well, it would almost be good!  But knowing I'm not doing any of those things and yet still being here... stinks.

Now I know I have it easy. I know that as far as pain goes, this is nothing.  And while I don't beat myself up over that, I know it.  Even so, this is part of the struggle, isn't it?  I mean the struggle that is not cancer, and is not tiredness, but the struggle to be, and to find meaning in that being.  The feeling is very much like some of the words Longfellow wrote in "The Day is Done"

...And a feeling of sadness comes o'er me   
  That my soul cannot resist:   
 
A feeling of sadness and longing,   
  That is not akin to pain,     
And resembles sorrow only   
  As the mist resembles the rain. ...

That about sizes it up.  I won't dwell on this long. Or often. But it helps to get it out.  And I lied when I said I wasn't going to talk about the treatment... because I am.  But only a little... on the next page...

"I got da blues..."

Years ago, a close friend of mine recorded one of his sons saying "I got the blues". I have a .wav file somewhere of a little child's voice, sounding rather peppy, saying "I got da boos".  And today started out there for me, oddly enough.

I've thought before how difficult it is to separate what feelings and thoughts are mine, if you will, and what ones are due to some mix of fatigue, radiation and hormones. To tell the truth, I was having enough trouble discerning my thoughts and feelings anyway, nevermind having the extra help from the rest of this experience. For the most part I've been able to be positive and up-beat about the treatment, the course of direction, and where I believe this path is taking me.  But I just want to acknowledge here that it isn't all that way.  I'm aware of feeling weak, not just physically weak, but emotionally as well. And someone saying, "Snap out of it!" serves to hammer home just how far off track I've strayed. Or seemingly so.

It's an odd thing to observe yourself going off the deep end... slipping quietly (or not) into a state of feeling unreasonably sorry for oneself. And frankly, Scarlet, there's a hint of wanting to wallow in this for awhile.  But thankfully, not for too long.  Trouble is, some of my tried and true methods for getting out of the that state of mind are shut off to me to a degree. I used to get on the bike and hammer that feeling out by just getting physically exhausted.  Now, I can't sit on the bike seat for that long.  So it goes.

But that's not what I want to think about right now.  I want - and need - to think about the next step, learn about that step and get into the frame of mind I need to be in for that step to proceed positively.  I don't have time to waste energy on feeling sorry for myself.  And that's not a list of "shoulds"... it is what it is... where I need to be, and where I will be.

I just wanted to get these feelings out of my head and out in the open, where, as Pooh said, the thing that seemed so thingish inside of you looks so different.