More discoveries and thoughts on changes

In a short discussion with a friend about the effects that radiation treatments had on both of his parents I heard some disturbing news: in his experience, the effects of the treatments never went away completely. Of course, I am not conversant with the details of the treatments (length, area, dosage, etc) his parents went through, but his father's treatments were related to prostate cancer, so there is some similarity. Hopefully I will recover, but I know that my digestion and elimination is not close to being back to what I would have called "normal" yet, and it's now 9 weeks after the last radiation treatments were done.

But 9 weeks isn't too long, I suppose.  It's only that I wanted it all to be better in the shortest amount of time, and that, I guess I was way too optimistic. 

And I haven't found any decent information about how the body processes the radioactive *stuff* (for lack of a more erudite term) out.  So, I go along hoping some hint of normality will begin to return.

At the same time, the effects of the hormone treatments continue to increase.  Hot flashes are more frequent, and longer, than before. My joints are sore, and it hurts to stand on my feet in the morning (this all dissipates as I move around) and my energy levels are pretty low.  Add to this a brief stint with a cold this week and there were some days when next to nothing was accomplished.

Normality is far from being restored is the bottom line.  And (warning!  graphic details ahead!) the radiation and hormones are having other effects as well...

Lack of producing testosterone seems to have an effect on testicle size (which is an effect I had read about elsewhere, but hadn't noticed). I complained to my wife this morning that I had noticed some significant shrinkage going on there... to the extent that I expected "the boys" to be about the size of grape nuts by the end of this experience.  Yikes!

And there is a chance that it could be a year more to begin producing testosterone on my own once I stop getting hormone treatments.  Or it might not start again at all.

Awhile ago I read a blog post in the NY Times Health section from a gay man who very eloquently discussed the impact this cancer and treatment has from a gay perspective.  It was quite detailed and sensitive.  In some respects I think the effects on a gay man may be more difficult to accept, but even from the heterosexual side there are losses.  And being able to let go of that past experience and welcome something completely different is a process to be reckoned with.  It's all very well to say (as I have said to myself) that a dry orgasm means no fuss no muss.  But the experience itself is weird and missing something that I still expect to happen.  And it won't happen again.

Unlike some choices I might make consciously, this loss is forced upon me as a result of having treatment for this cancer. It's a little death, another one in a series of changes that need to be accepted and embraced because what else can I do?  To rage against the loss is futile.  But it's sad.  And the knowledge of needing to let go of it and the ability to do so with grace is not there.  Yet.