March, 2010... How did it happen?

Well, hey, I thought I'd get in a last post for February, but the day turned into something completely unexpected. I mean, I slept in, puttered about for most of the morning, took Katie for a walk (she was completely thrilled) and then... found myself in a listless, pacing, weird state of mind. And dang it... I couldn't shake it.  There were plenty of things to get done, and I didn't do one of them. I hope that wasn't a glimpse of things to come.  Heck... I didn't even feel like drinking a glass of wine! That's how bad it was. 

I ended up taking a nap, hoping I could sleep it off kind of like the way I used to try to fall asleep on long car rides when I was a kid because of the nifty way sleep has of compressing time. If you can get to sleep, a day-long ride in the car seems more like a couple of hours.  And then I started this post on Monday, the first of March, and got derailed by some completely lousy news at work, and so now it's mid-week and I'm lagging behind.  In more ways than one.

Last week, I gave the radiation tech's my blog address and now I find myself wondering if I've made anyone feel bad in how I've reported on this journey. I sure hope not. But really, I'm not aware of having said *too* many rude things.  And it seems a bit presumptuous to think that there are a lot of people reading this. I know of a few, but most of them know me fairly well. In some respects, this is a bit like working as a disc jockey was for me (yes, I did that ...and worked as a radio engineer for a few years). There's something very unnerving about having a conversation with a microphone, which is a little like writing here. But that's not what I want to talk about.

Reflections on 10 days done... and moods...

Friday was the 10th day of radiation, and I was thinking that the increased Vitamin D + calcium I've been taking was having the effect of improving my mood and my energy level.  Then on Sunday I woke up in an unexplainable blue funk that just would not leave me.  So much for the vitamin boost, I guess.

But that only highlights, yet again, how hard it is to figure the side-effect picture out. At any rate, after a lot of positive energy from my youngest daughter, some good food and a bit of work in the yard, my mood improved considerably.  I suppose that's the key (for me) for the mood swings: keep moving and direct attention somewhere else than where the mood wants to take me.  As my youngest cousin (who called while I was pruning some roses) said, the capability to go to a dark place doesn't mean I have to go there. 

I agree... with some reservations. My cousin is right about not going into a dark place... but my feeling is there are times when I need to go into the dark because I have a need to know. I just need to know about the place.  (I'm sorry to keep using the word "place", because it seems so overused.) But there are times when I know doing that will only result in my thoughts wallowing in the dark.  I don't need that, and certainly I didn't need it on Sunday.  Maybe that makes sense. 

I got an extra day off from radiation because the doctor's office was closed on Presidents Day.  So by the time this is posted I will have had my 11th treatment.  And it's doctor day too!  So... I can ask the questions about the hormone pills... if we stop that when radiation is done or what. Cheap thrills!  Or not so cheap.

My weight continues to increase, which concerns me, but I'm trying to let it go.  I mean the worry.  I'd like to let the weight go as well, but maybe not until I finish the radiation. 

One last item I keep returning to in thought (and have yet to resolve or write about) is the remark "you don't know it yet, but we're the lucky ones" that someone writing to Lance Armstrong made. I assume it was another cancer patient but need to look it up again. It comes into my thoughts on a regular basis and because of that I think it needs exploring.  But other than this superficial noticing, I don't have more to write at this point.  Oh good grief... all that to say "gee... iDunno".