Catching up is just an illusion,,,

...but then, I'm not slamming illusions. Or allusions, for that matter.  It's almost a year since the last posting and I'm only now getting back to being able to think about updates and writing here. So much has happened, and so many thoughts on different levels have come and gone, but even after all this time I think I need to write them down. But first, there are some things to explain, mainly about why the long silence.

The last post contained a hint at the back-and-forth with the insurance company - applying for long-term disability benefits, at the end of my short-term disability (which I took to "freeze" the lay-off clock, you may recall). While my application for long-term disability was in progress I went on unpaid leave of absence from work.  There was some money coming in from California, but to my company, I was on leave.  And surprise! The insurance company denied my initial claim for long term disability on the grounds that I was not physically impaired (meaning, I could bend and lift and do normal physical labor). Of course, as soon as I was denied I began putting together an appeal package, and solicited the help of many friends and family for advice and counsel in addition to doing a lot of research into the effects androgen deprivation therapy has on the mind.  I also consulted a lawyer who specialized in disability claims and paid for a series of cognitive tests by a neuro-psychologist (not cheap!) to see if there were measurable effects from the therapy (there were). My doctors, and the staff people in their offices, were also pivotal in helping me with the appeal.

I didn't want to discuss the appeal here because I was concerned that any public information (specifically, using the name of the insurance company) might hamper my appeal and I wasn't that stupid. But I'm fairly angry at what amounts to fraudulent representation of benefits by the company I work for and by the insurance company who underwrites (and administers) the benefit.  Signing up for the benefit every year left me with the impression that all I needed to do was invoke the benefit to get it. How naive of me!  As it was, I applied, was denied on grounds that made no sense (my job was not physical, after all) and then went through months of expense and effort, all the while operating with a mind that found it increasingly hard to concentrate on anything, much less building a cohesive argument. And I had help! Consider all those who are denied and who do not have the help from friends and family to push back.

Eventually, my appeal was successful, but it was so late in coming, that I had already gone back in to work and applied for another job, in a different organization, and was in the closing steps of taking that job when MetLife decided to grant me what was by that time essentially a claim for back benefits.  I don't want to get too political here, but my brief dip into the health insurance nightmare left me convinced that these structures need serious change.  There are so many levels that can be discussed about what needs change, but just take the basic level of applying for long term disability and you can get a picture. The forms were entirely focused on physical ability and functions, as if all of the jobs that might expect to need disability claims were all manufacturing jobs. Patently ridiculous!

So, as a preview of coming attractions, to anyone still checking this, are topics still related to my treatment (not in any specific order): Unexpected radiation effects (long after stopping radiation), the return of testosterone (a goofy title for a western novel, eh?), sex drive (or, who is that Masked Man behind the wheel?), hormones and their effects on thinking and spirituality (never mind emotions), some reflections on losses and gains, and a bit of a spoof on Tieresias ... who, I think, was holding back.

Catching up...

Well, it has been too long since my last post, as I was gently but firmly reminded recently. And what could I say but "no duh!?!"... and try and get on with what is going on in my head and heart as the treatment progresses.
Nothing. I could say nothing.  But I'll try.

The last couple of months have been hard ones and busy as well. My wife's father passed away and I had a really good relationship with him.  And there was a flurry of activity with that. And this week a close friend, and another cancer patient (albeit a different kind), passed away.  And that is hard.  But no more than anyone else has experienced.  It is, as Robinson Jeffers said, "...exactly conterminous with human existence".

For my part, the PSA count being down to a negligible number is a good thing, but I'm not done yet. The research data indicated that being on hormone treatments for a year was necessary, and I won't reach that point until the end of September.  So, I find myself being impatient, now that there is an end to the hormone deprivation in sight.  But that doesn't mean a return to my old self the next day. The doctor indicated it could be about 6 months before a new state of "normal" returns, and like it or not, I have not out-performed a single time estimate throughout this treatment regimen.  So, let's see... that means it could be March of 2011 before I feel something different physically and mentally.  Oh la!

The wearing thing about the hormone treatments is that I think I can still do things like I used to, but I can't.  For example, I think I can keep active (which I used to do, and which the doctors want me to do) but I need people to get me out to be active. While riding my bike, I think I feel fine and then I push a little and it takes me three days to recover.  I work in the backyard and I last an hour and need a rest. I feel like I have no initiative.  Sure I can get things done, but then I pay for it.  And there's more...